Understanding Perfectionism
Overview: This blog post explores possible influences into why perfectionist tendencies form as well as how therapy can be beneficial in addressing perfectionism.
Perfectionism is a term that we tend to use for people who are precise in their methods, strive for the best outcomes, and seem to be “put together.” Many people use this term as a label of pride—perfectionists work hard and it can feel rewarding for other people to take notice.
Perfectionism can also come along with pressure. Once this label is given, people often feel like they have to maintain this persona not only for others’ approval, but for their own sense of self satisfaction. Furthermore, perfectionists can feel like everything they’ve worked hard to achieve crumbles if they made a mistake or had a bad day. Perfection does not allow for any errors.
At times people find this title to be motivating, it gives them something to work for and pushes them to be successful. However, this pressure can feel crushing. It is a common feeling to want to take a break, hand a task off, or be able to show others how you are feeling more authentically. However, the feeling of letting yourself or others down frequently stops people from giving themselves permission to break out of perfectionist patterns.
Why do we develop perfectionist tendencies?
Coping With Chaos
Perfectionist tendencies can begin when a person wants to develop a sense of peace in a stressful or chaotic environment. There may be a million stressors that won’t go away, like stressors at school or work, childcare, family issues, but if we can ensure that things are going right in a few areas, it can make the situation easier to navigate.
In this way, perfectionism can be a way to make people feel like they are managing their anxiety. They are developing systems to navigate difficult circumstances, and they are achieving outcomes that other people approve of. The downside, is when life throws a curveball, it can be hard to adjust the system to adapt, and then anxiety is enhanced even more.
Provides a Sense of Validation
Humans have a natural tendency to want to appear calm and confident even when they are exhausted, stressed, or struggling. This tendency is protective because we don’t want others to view us as vulnerable or incompetent.
When we are able to show up as not only put together, but able to manage things well, it makes us feel safe because we know others view us as strong or component. This can make us feel validated because even if we are internally struggling, people have the external perception that we have it all together.
Creates an Identity
When we begin to form an identity, we tend to want to foster activities and habits that give us a sense of reward. Starting from a young age, we tend to be praised for behaviors related to accomplishment. Whether it is learning numbers and letters quickly, or doing the job parents ask of us, even as children we feel good when we are praised.
Because of this reinforcement, we can learn to put energy into things that make other people proud of us. Over time, we adopt those values for ourselves. These values can weigh so heavily in our mind, that we can become unsure of what is important to us if we don’t listen to those values.
Furthermore, we can feel like we’re doing something wrong if we act against those values. Who are we if we aren’t the person who has it all together?
Quiets Emotional Experiences
Perfectionism takes time. It’s not easy to maintain high achievement within any aspect of our lives. Because these habits require so much time and energy, intentionally or not, many aspects of our thoughts and feelings aren’t given focus.
If a person is always in motion, then they don’t have to stop and think about the difficult things, and emotional avoidance becomes easy. However, it is not just the difficult emotions that aren’t felt, without space for us to let our emotions through, positive emotions also get pushed away.
People can be hyper-focused on maintaining what they deem to be important, and feel emptiness because they aren’t enjoying the emotions that create a sense of balance to that stress.
How can therapy help?
Gain Insight Into Why These Patterns Developed
Therapy can help us understand the influencing factors during our development that led to perfectionism. This includes during our childhood, but we also continue to develop and change during each phase of life.
We naturally attempt to adapt in our environments, and often perfectionism is the best way that we know how to cope in a certain set of circumstances.
Explore Our Personal Relationship to Perfectionism
People can have a love / hate relationship with perfectionism. They can love the outcomes it provides, but hate the stress it brings. When exploring how a person feels about these patterns, there can be a sense of anxiety regarding change.
Knowing how perfectionist strategies have served a person as well as how they have created distress is essential in creating realistic goals that will allow for sustainable change.
Engage in Emotional Experiences More Deeply
Once perfectionistic tendencies start to change, a person can begin to feel connected to emotional experiences that they might not have felt in a long time. This experience can be highly rewarding but nerve wracking at the same time.
Therapy can aid in connecting through the enjoyable emotional experience and develop coping strategies for the more difficult emotional experiences.
Reach out if this sounds like you
I specialize in working with clients who have developed perfectionist tendencies. Together we explore these patterns and create a therapy plan to help you reach your goals in living a more balanced life.